Rosaria, Utoria
by Saiyura
Summary: Raphael had been in there when Leo had last looked when the building had started falling. Raphael had been behind him, Leo reckoned that something must have knocked his brother out. He was wrong. Raph/Leo brother can be Leo/Raph Leo torture depression


It had only happened a few times, those few words that ghosted over his brain and left his lips numb with the want to say them... to feel them as they left with a clawing jagged feel ripping at his throat. To a point he could feel the blood from the struggle the emotion caused dripping down into his stomach, each cough he mentally did, made it stain his tongue. He'd smack his lips a bit just to make the feeling go away but it only made the roof of his mouth tingle when he'd run his tongue behind his teeth then slightly back a bit.

Like a forbidden lover never allowed to taste the sweet fruit that Adam condemned upon and Eve bite into to suffer for eternity. It was the thought that made him freeze up when his hard palate tingled and burned like a fire. He'd pulled his tongue down from the area as to stop the teasing, but it was always done without him realizing it sometimes... like his tongue didn't even know what it was doing to his other senses.

When he had felt lost, only a few times, inside his own home which he would occasionally call his head was the time of teasing from another source in his brain. Like that voice people got saying they did something wrong, to jump someones bones, or to just plainly give up on the life they were given by some 'other' authority.

Yes, suicide did cross his mind more then once in the hours the last year. It had dragged up the memory of feeling the blade in his hand, feeling the cool metal against his palm, and it felt like the perfect seducer. It never said a word, it never did anything against his will, but it did things to him that no mere man or turtle would have thought a piece of metal would or could do.

Rolling eyes looking to the left of the small room he was in, the door had been open and soft nearly unheard footsteps entered stalking towards him. It was like that time, just like it was the time before that also, and the hand touched his shoulder but was shrugged off.

Why didn't he just go away and leave the wondering mind of someone so low... disgusting... it was all their fault anyways that these thoughts came to his mind. His brother was so naive as to replace his hand on his shoulder, as if that would help...

"Leo?" the shifting on the mats told him more then he needed to know. "Bro... what-." he didn't get far as the hand was shrugged off again and the body moved with the sound thought pulsing in its neurological circuits.

"I'm fine, Raphael." the tone was cold and detached from everything that would have made him more 'human', but he wasn't human. He was one of four... one sick, twisted, bloody diseased thinking turtle. He gave a look at Raphael's eyes, slightly curved into a grim look. He wondered if his brother ever knew that he was easy to read sometimes. Easy to understand that a monkey with no brain would see his evident fear and worry and... love.

"No, you're not." Raph's voice was always gruff but the last year it had taken a turn for being more of the authority tone that Leo never liked hearing in even his own voice. It meant his brother was thinking and not just acting. It meant Leo was failing his job, failing his choices, and his brothers had to pick up his slack.

Is that why Splinter wouldn't allow them back on the surface? Is that why he couldn't meditate? Why he thought-.

"Leo?" Raph's voice drew a line through the thoughts making each picture that rushed to his vision to split and distort.

"Raphael." Leo had turned his back on his brother, "I don't want to talk to you or anyone else right now, go away and leave me in peace."

Raphael moved lifting Leo up and forcing him to stand so that he could get his brother to actually get some movement instead of lying in bed waiting to rot and die.

How much could a turtle be alone with thoughts and emotions that would make them snap. Why did he do this? Why did Leo care what his brothers saw him do?

It's not like Leo looked any better then the last time they saw him. Leo had lost weight; had stopped taking care of himself in the hygiene department. He no longer stepped foot outside his room, and on the few short minutes he did he only left to use the bathroom or to snack on something like an apple if they had any.

Leo could smell it then in his room: the rot of food. The stench that must have covered his bed sheets, his skin. Was he still green? He didn't care as his legs pulled back into and deeper in the bed.

Raphael didn't move or speak as he watched emotions fly over Leo's face, the thoughts that must have brothered his eldest brother, but it was the ever so weak stumble as Leo went to the bed, pull the tattered blanket to the side... slipping in the bed...

Raph stood still as he shifted over, his eyes stinging at seeing such a broken brother and the cause still unknown.

"Go away, Raphael." Leo had not opened is eyes as he laid there as if dead. "I'm tired."

"Tired." the unvoiced fear left Raph's word. "Tired... TIRED, you stay in here sleeping or meditating, Leo, you don't eat... don't drink... Ya don' even TRY any mo'a to even LIVE! Why da hell are ya tired!" Leo didn't move an inch, his breathing seeming to have stopped.

Raph's emotions turned in his chest as he forced himself to stumble back and away from the 'great' and 'fearless leader'. How had he fallen so far? Why did he fall so far?

Leo only stared at the wall when the door opened and closed, the feel of Raph in the room vanished then also, and he chuckled at the valid point Raph had on him. He was tired, but not the tired Raph knew. He was tired of the charade of acting so strong when he just wanted to be the weak one. Wanted to stand and have people know he didn't know what to do.

Was he a coward for not being the person they all looked up to? Why did he fall so hard so suddenly after it happened? What did it do to him? Those words that first time still rung in his head making the screech in his ears unbearable.

'Hear me.' Only he didn't hear it, still couldn't. 'Hear me.' it was so emotionally filled, like a a confession, and it wondered if he truly did understand himself to the point he thought he did before.

His life consisted of Meditation. Talking, leading, living, fighting, and orders. Their never was play time, inner talking to his inner child, and he was so distant from his emotions even before this happened.

He only felt anger then. What other emotions do you feel to the ones who make your life a living hell?

"I'm tired." he voiced the words before he pushed himself up and his tongue danced across the roof of his mouth, a small moan of pleasure came from him, and he felt the tears when his hand touched the blades sheath. A small trail up and down made his heart pump before he pulled it into his arms and his hand moved up, the hilt guard stopping him before he moved his fingers around it and then...

The sound of metal being pulled against wood sent his body wracking. His eyes narrowed as he saw his face in the shine. His eyes had crud lining them, the brown was nearly black but he blamed the dark of the room, and his skin had patches of midnight black streaking across his face. He must have been even filthier because this was what he saw in the dark.

"I'm so tired of it all." He trailed a finger across the sharp edge, it didn't bleed but he knew there was a line where the skin was cut. He smiled as he set the blade on the bed and stood up. "Faking it isn't helping me anymore."

He was tired and he wanted to sleep peacefully.

The door knob turned as he walked out and headed to the bathroom. He'd stay in there a bit longer then normal and it would worry his family, he knew them that well, and he didn't care because he wanted it to be over. Wanted it to end. Wanted to feel again and it didn't mean he was weak, it meant he just had enough of following something he wasn't.

Like pretending that he was happy when he was angry. Pretending to be sad when he was mortified. Living like a leader when was constantly told he was wrong.

Yes, that's right...

_'Hear me'_ Raph had said that when he had grabbed Leo's arm, Raph had... Raph had said that...

Raph had screamed out angrily when he had been forced to stop talking as the building started coming down. Leo had dragged his brothers, Michelangelo and Donatello, out of the building as it started coming down. He had tried to grab Raphael but his brother was no where to be found. He had felt every pour in his body feel the licking of the flames as he rushed back in again.

_'Hear me'_ Why had he forgotten such a simple person to such a simple two worded thought. Something stung his eyes as Leo leaned his shell against the door sliding down tears breaking free and his breathing grew rapid as he coughed and whined in the dark and cold room.

Raphael had been in there when Leo had last looked when the building had started falling. Raphael had been behind him, Leo reckoned that something must have knocked his brother out. He was wrong. He went back in and he didn't come out like he should have. A part of him felt like it died in that building.

Raph was okay though, he had taken a different route out having been blocked by smoke. He was okay, but the scarring had already happened.

Leo felt a chill up his shell as he started humming and singing something he had written on his sudden dip into the deep in over the true thoughts he had towards Raph and his brother being found alive; no one was hurt in his family and friends.

_'Put the nail in my heart, pound it in until it scars. Make my laugh turn to a cry and then you'll hear me die. Rosaria, Utoria, you failed to keep me safe. My mind has lost that small padded lock, and you broke my door when you said 'he's gone'. I can't hear his beat of such a tender heart but that's because I'm deaf by your screaming of 'he's gone'. Rosaria, Utoria... You played a cruel trick upon me and it's taken more then just a day to find out that little truth. Now I'm stuck in a well built cage. I hate you, but you're only me... Again, I think, my heart must be in pain of the simple well known truths you bring.'_

He cried out in the room holding his knees to his body head down as his arms tightly wrapped around them,_ 'Put a nail in my heart, pound it till it scars, it's only love that I ever always feel.'_


End file.
